Two men are sitting in a room, one is asleep, the other (Michael) is rifling through a book stopping occasionally to check on the other. Presently the first man (David) stirs and Michael puts down the book to focus his attention on him
David
Where am I?
Michael
Do you want the good news or the bad news
David
The good news
Michael
You're dead
D.
What?!
M.
You dead, kapoot, gone, passed on, no more, kicked the bucket, get me?
D.
Oh my God
M.
YOUR God?
D.
Who else's God would I be talking to.
M.
If I were you, I wouldn't be too certain that you're even talking to yours.
D.
I don't care whose God I'm talking to……..I"M DEAD?!
M.
Yes
D.
And that's the GOOD news?!
M.
Okay, "good news" may have been a bit of a stretch, but it sure ain't bad news - just "news", I guess. Sorry about the labeling error
D.
So if thats the good news...
M.
No, not "good news", just "news". I thought it was good news, but I've changed my mind.
D.
So if thats the..."news"
M.
Very good
D.
What's the bad news?
M.
Ah, well...not that it will bring much comfort to you, but there's no doubt in my mind that this is definitely bad news. You definitely won't like it.
D
Well how much worse can it be than being dead?
M.
Infinitely; there's been a mix up.
D.
What kind of mix up?
M.
An identity mix up, you see, someone with the same name as you died at almost exactly the same time as you did - he was a bit of a bad egg and was due to be sent..."down there"
D.
Down where?
M.
"There"
D.
You mean hell?
M.
Well that's what you call it, we just call it "down there". Anyway, he was MEANT to go down there, but as you both died at near exactly the same time and you both had the same names, there's been a slight administrative error and you're due to go "down there" instead
D.
What?! But I've done nothing wrong!
M.
Well, we both know that that certainly isn't true...
D.
How do you know that, wait a minute, who are you?
M.
I, Michael, am your guardian angel - one of the best in the business. I tell you, I really had my work cut out looking after you.
D.
What do you mean, nothing bad happened to me my entire life.
M.
And you think that happened by accident, do you?
D.
Maybe you're just trying to take credit for something you had nothing to do with
M.
Perhaps.
D.
So this is the afterlife?
M.
No, this is the waiting room - the afterlife is still to come, not that it's too different, everything is pretty much the same here.
D.
So if there's an afterlife, does that mean there's a God?
M.
Why does everyone....you and your Gods. You're a funny lot, you humans. Well, if you must know, yes there is - not that you'll meet him, he's far too busy. He does have a universe to run, you know.
D.
What's he like
M.
What does it matter? He exists, that's all you need know.
D.
So...this administrative error.
M.
Yes
D.
What happens now.
M.
Well, realising there was a mistake, I've filed a complaint, and we are now waiting for someone to come and fix the problem. I didn't have to do that you know, bring it to attention - I could have left you to rot "down there"
D.
Why didn't you?
M.
I was feeling charitable
D.
So what is it like in Hell?
M.
DOWN THERE, it's pretty much the same as up here, just with much less pleasant people.
D.
Is it all fire and brimstone?
M.
It used to be, but the guys down there got a bit irritated by the heat, so they filed a petition to cool the place; some of the names they had on that list...I'm amazed they convinced them to get involved - they even organised a bake sale to help raise awareness and get some funding.
D.
A bake sale?
M.
Sure, the air temperature was at the perfect level for baking
D.
Really?
M.
As God is my witness.
D.
How does He feel about it?
M.
About what?
D.
About cooling down Hell?
M.
Chances are He doesn't know, he delegates a lot - trusted advisors and all that, tends to leave most of the day-to-day admin to others, not that we have "days" here, strictly speaking.
D.
Wait, let me think about those for a minute. So, I'm dead?
M.
Yes
D.
And in the afterlife
M.
Yes
D.
So, why don't I feel any different
M.
Any different to what?
D.
Any different to how I felt when I was alive, isn't there meant to be a big change or something?
M.
Or something.
D.
No seriously, aren't I meant to have some big realisation about the meaning of life, reach perfection, total consciousness and all that?
M.
When you say "meant to", who is that according to?
D.
It's what everyone else says
M.
And what do they know? Have they died? Do they have first hand experience of the afterlife?
D.
No
M.
Then what authority do they have to go deciding what does and doesn't happen after you die?
D.
I just thought...
M.
Well don't , it's very bad for you - some of your thoughts have made my job much harder than it could have been.
D.
Well how was I to know that?
M.
You weren't. But now that you do, I'd ask you to try to restrain yourself
D.
Now that I'm dead, what does that mean for you?
M.
Well, when this little discrepancy is ironed over I'll be assigned another charge.
D.
You get assigned charges?
M.
How else would we get them?
D.
Maybe you choose them
M.
That wouldn't work, you'd get all the guardian angels fighting over the best ones.
D.
So who regulates it, God?
M.
No, he delegates, he's too busy to deal with that sort of unimportant paperwork.
D.
He doesn't seem to do much
M.
Since when were you an expert?
Another man enters (Peter)
Peter.
Hello, Hello. Good. You're here, now, am I to understand there's been some kind of mix up?
D.
Yes, apparently I'm getting sent to Hell and I should be going to Heaven.
M.
No your not, you're getting sent "down there" and you should being going "up there". Although that's debatable, your life was hardly perfect.
P.
I see, well, whats your name?
D.
David
P.
David, David, ah, here we are: David
D.
Isn't there an easier way to carry that information around than in that?
P.
Like how?
D.
Like, I don't know, a computer?
M.
We don't have computers up here, they haven't been invented yet.
D.
They what?!
M.
They haven't been invented yet, you see, stuff here is invented by the same people who invented it there, and as none of the people who built the computer have died yet, they aren't here to invent it. See?
D.
So there are no computers?
M.
Not until the people who built them have died.
D.
Why can't God build them
M.
Delegation
P.
Now then, I've found your file, and there does seem to have been a mix up.
D.
Sorry to interrupt Peter, but have you met God?
P.
What?!
D.
Have you met God.
P.
There is no God
D.
What?!
P.
There is no God
D.
So how is there an afterlife?
P.
I have no idea, people die and then they arrive here, but there's no God, just us.
D.
So people just arrive here after they die?
P.
Yep.
D.
So who's in charge?
P.
We are, we run the place, sort out the paperwork, of which there is a considerable amount, and take care of any problems that arise, such as the one that has happened here.
D.
But who tells you what to do?
P.
We tell each other.
D.
Who decides who goes where?
P.
You mean Heaven and Hell?
M.
Half of the problems here arise from the fact that no-one can call anything by it's right name
P.
Well, we sort of all decided, we meet together and vote on who we think should be allocated where.
D.
So you cherry pick your favorites to live with you, and then send the rest away?
P.
God no, we choose those of the most worth, they may be hated by everyone else, but if they can be shown to bring desired attributes to Heaven, then we let them in.
M.
Bureaucratic toads
D.
You said God does exist
M.
He does, but he delegates all his responsibilities so that people don't know any better, you should consider yourself lucky I've told you.
D.
Maybe you're just lying to me about the whole "God"thing
M.
Perhaps.
D.
Does it not bother you?
P.
Does what not bother me?
D.
You die, reach the afterlife, and instead of getting the big explosion of knowledge and understanding you were expecting, nothing happens.
P.
Not really
D.
How
P.
You just realise that it doesn't matter. There's an afterlife, that is all one need know. True, it's origins are unknown but people don't seem to care about that sort of stuff so much up here.
D.
I don't believe you, if that's true then why do I care so much about God?
M.
Because you're not in the afterlife yet, you're still in the waiting room.
P.
It's possible you just haven't got used to afterlife up here. I promise that by the time you get settled in, everything will make more sense.
D.
What happens if I don't
M.
Then you're boned
P.
If I were you, I would ignore that pessimistic voice circling round your head - it will vanish once go get used to it here. Anyway...the mix-up
D.
Yes?
P.
It seems that there someone with the same name as you died at the same time as you did and the was an confusion of identity.
D.
I know
P.
How?
D.
I was told.
P.
Hmmm, anyway. It shouldn't be took tricky to fix, just need to get you to sign a few documents, so you won't sue us.
D.
You can sue up here?
M.
Sure, Laywers die too, don't they?
D.
Out of interest, this other bloke who died at the same time as me…
P.
Yes?
D.
Who was he?
M. and P.
David.
D.
Oh. Is he alright now?
M.
He's dead, and he's about to get sent "down there", what do you think?
D.
I don't think, it's dangerous.
M.
Very good.
P.
Here are your documents.
D.
What do I get if I win a lawsuit?
P.
What do you mean?
D.
If I sue you and win. What do I win?
P.
You won't be suing us, not if you sign these papers
D.
What if I refuse to sign.
P.
Then you won't leave this room.
D.
Then I'l sue you for holding me against false charges.
P.
If that's what you want then call a lawyer.
D.
Right, I will...where's the phone?
P.
Outside.
M.
Are you starting to see how things work here?
D.
Clever.
P.
Thank you. Sign here. Good, you're free to go.
D.
Which way
P.
Whichever way feels right.
D.
Right it is.
Exit Michael and David, only for them to enter immediately afterwards.